It's Not Big And It's Not Clever
by Hello Captain and Shakahnna
Summary: Reuploaded Each episode we take a look at the worst and overused gags in Resident Evil spoofs. Parody writers please take note. NEW CHAPTER 4 The Captain and Lieutenant Hate Mary Sues
1. Episode One

_Author's Note: This is a joint piece from Shakahnna and Hello Captain. The following story is in good humour and we are not intending to offend anyone. In fact, a few of the jokes mentioned have appeared in our own fics. Enjoy!  
_  
**It's Not Big And It's Not Clever  
  
_A Parody of Parodies._**  
  
-  
  
Scene: A TV Show Setting (sigh)  
  
The audience roars with canned laughter, the scene is set much in the style of "Saturday Night Live" or any such other brainless Yank chatshow that you may wish to insert here, since they all look the bloody same to me.  
  
The theme music starts up...the lights go dim...and an American voice announces in the same voice which is used for the gay chat ads.  
  
"And here's your hosts..." The audience waits with baited breath, the reader groans.  
  
"...Violet Snowe and Shakahnna Warren!" The crowd falls silent, and begins to whisper among one another as two young nerds enter. One is a short, red haired young lady in black jeans and a t-shirt that says "Wesker Is My Bitch", and the other is a tall girl with curly auburn hair and plastic glasses taped up with masking tape, in a grey jumper. The spectators are aghast.  
  
One lone fellow speaks up, "Hey! This is a Resident Evil parody! Shouldn't it be hosted by Albert Wesker, because that's SO original?"  
  
"Ok, firstly, fuck you," the redhead speaks up, "And secondly, Wesker is not here, because he's in a cage under my bed."  
  
The two intrepid young presenters ignore the upstart's protestations and launch into their TV presenters monologue.   
  
"Wah!" the redhead begins, "My name be's Shakahnna...  
  
"...and my name is Violet" the bespectacled girl waves into the wrong camera, "Hullo!"  
  
"And welcome to It's Not Big and It's Not Clever!" they attempt to say in unison and fail, so the whole thing comes out as a jumble of nonsense.  
  
"Ok..." Violet says, "This is our public safety announcement against BAD Resident Evil parodies. Each episode we are going to take a look at some of the worst and overused gags, plot devices and other nonsense found in the attempts at humour."  
  
Shakahnna takes over, in true slick timing, "First up, let's introduce a very good friend of every self-respecting bad parody writer..."  
  
"I must advise you," Violet warns as an outdated projector screen kicks up behind the two presenters, "This is not pretty..."  
  
Shakahnna nods sagely, "The following video clip contains scenes which are so vile, you may experience sensations of cringing so hard your arse eats the chair..."  
  
"You have been warned..." says Violet mysteriously, before whimpering and assuming the foetal position, as the screen fades to black, and we are forced to watch the aforementioned clip.  
  
-  
  
We see the familiar faces of the STARS members as they hurtle at breakneck speed towards the eerie-looking Spencer mansion, chased by rabid dogs.  
  
The tension is mounting as the door swings shut behind them with an audible thud, and we are treated to a view of our heroes.  
  
Chris Redfield is standing there. He is a handsome young fellow. Chances are he is smoking a cigarette.  
  
Barry Burton is also there. He has a beard and is possibly cracking a lame joke about Chris being gay.  
  
Jill Valentine is giggling like a bimbo. She is wearing her mini-skirt from Resident Evil 3. This is because most fanfiction authors generally tend to fall into the following two categories: Teenage Boys, and Bi-Curious Schoolgirls.  
  
And lastly, we have every young parody writer's dream: Albert Wesker.  
  
Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, the dialogue switches to badly written script form....!  
  
Jill (giggling): Like...let's phone out for pizza.  
  
Barry: I hope it isn't Chris' pizza.  
  
Chris: I'm a faggot.  
  
This continues for a while, as the reader groans and rubs the throbbing vein which has appeared in their forehead. Just when they are about to click the back button, for fear of losing their immortal soul, they spot something so hideous, so cheesy, unfunny and overly used that their breakfast rapidly exits their body and ends up on the monitor of their PC (or Mac, if you're cool like me...).  
  
Wesker (singing): "**I WEAR MY SUUUNGLAAAASSESSS AT NIIIIIGGGHHHT!!!!"**  
  
The projector screen begins to stutter and burn up from the middle, a burning hole appearing in the middle of the image of a disco dancing renegade STARS Captain. The hideous picture is soon no more, and we are confronted with our two chatshow hosts again.  
  
The studio has now changed to a school room, and the two girls are clad in old fashioned teachers gowns, with mortar hats and canes.  
  
Shakahnna points to some writing on the blackboard, "Lesson the first, boys and girls..."  
  
The white writing reads, **"THE SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT JOKE"**  
  
"If I see that gag in one more Resident Evil parody, I'm going to murder a small household pet," Violet informs the audience, who are seated at wooden desks.  
  
Back to Shakahnna, "Yes, this be's the most overused, unoriginal, and ANNOYING joke in the world. It wasn't funny the first time I read it, and it certainly isn't funny the six hundredth time. So just fucking stop it, ok?"  
  
Violet nods, "I concur." She removes her glasses and wipes them on her sleeve thoughtfully. "So remember kids..."  
  
The two attempt unison once more, "It's not big, and it's not clever."  
  
Next episode: The do's and don't of herbs.  
  



	2. Episode Two

_Scene:_ A choir is singing in the background, while the camera pans across a green and fragrant meadow nestled somewhere deep in the heart of the wonderful English countryside.  
  
Writing fades onto the screen, the letters lovingly scripted in a flowing  
and artistic hand...  
  
"SONGS OF PRAISE..."  
  
Or at least, that's what they would have read, had someone not at that moment taken a purple crayon and scribbled over them, replacing the caption with an ungainly scrawl that read....  
  
"IT'S NOT BIG AND IT'S NOT CLEVER!"  
  
With a loud zip noise, the music conks out and the screen statics over for a few seconds, before we are presented with the image of our two unlikely young presenters, Violet and Shakahnna.  
  
Today the girls are standing in the middle of a field. Shakahnna has changed her t-shirt and it now reads "Wesker - He'd Get It" and features a picture of a pair of handcuffs. Violet has clearly made an effort with her appearence for this broadcast, as her clothes do not have any holes in them. She appears to be very proud of this acchievement.

"Wah!" Shakahnna speaks into the camera, which is being operated by an extremely scared looking gentleman, who has clearly been threatened into doing the filming.  
  
Violet looks up from prodding a cow curiously, and blinks, "Hullo..." She coughs, "Um...welcome to another glorious technicolour episode of..."  
  
"IT'S NOT BIG AND IT'S NOT CLEVER!" Shout the two girls with muted enthusiasm. At least, this is what they were trying to say, although it once again comes out as a jumble of crap.  
  
"We really need to work on that..." Violet mutters darkly as Shakahnna  
launches into her monologue.  
  
"Fuck that. Today we are going to be looking at another of our many pet hates in parodies..." she growls, "This is a joke which be's SO overused, SO hideous, it be's..."  
  
The redhead is interupted by a loud "MOO!". With her lightning quick  
reflexes she spins round, to find the cow sniffing benignly at Violet, who is curled up in the mud in the foetal position. Shakahnna laughs, rolls her eyes and helps her up.  
  
The camera pans into Violet, who is looking rather sheepish with a smear of mud on her specs. "Ahem...let's just watch the bloody film, ok?"  
  
There is a puff of cinnamon scented smoke, and a projector screen appears in the middle of the field. It begins to roll...  
  
-  
  
_Scene: A Badly Written Resident Evil Parody._  
  
Claire Redfield is skipping merrily through the RPD, dressed in an   
impractical pair of hotpants with an inane grin on her face. Sherry, a   
young, irritating blonde small thing, is in tow. Claire is currently in   
possesion of all the intelligence of a 13 year old on AIM.  
  
Claire: Like wtf hurry up i wont 2 hav sex wit Leon.  
  
Sherry: screw u (insert random expletive here. For the purposes of this demonstration, we are going to go with a word that begins with 'M'. And ends in 'uthafucka'. This is because it is clearly amusing to watch a child swear. The mind of the fanfiction parody writer is a sick hellhole of depravity indeed.)  
  
Claire and Sherry come across a potted, leafy plant, known to all Resident Evil fans as the miracle, cure-all (even severed limbs) green herb. Oh joy.  
  
Now let the lameness commence.  
  
Sherry: O luk a herb.  
  
Claire (and please, brace yourself for cringing): LIKE, SHOULD I SMOKE IT? HAHAHAHA...  
  
The film burns up and we cut back to Shakahnna and Violet who are sitting having an arguement about the respective merits of Wesker and Birkin.  
  
"But Birkin is a science nerd..."  
  
"Oh please! He couldn't take a punch! What's the point if he's a pussy?"  
  
"But I don't want to punch him, I want to make him cups of hot chocolate..."  
  
Shakahnna noticed that the camera is rolling again and clears her throat.  
  
"The herbs joke," she says in a matter of fact tone, "is shit."  
  
Violet nods, "It's lamer than having Christopher Reeve on your team in a rugby match." she adds.  
  
The redhead continues, "Please...have a heart...IF YOU'RE WRITING AN RE PARODY, DON'T PUT ANY JOKES ABOUT SMOKING HERBS IN IT. We've heard it all many...too many...times before..."  
  
"Yes," Violet points to the ground, "There is a cow pat, dear RE parody writer. Should I rub your face in it, or smoke it?"  
  
"The only thing that is going to be smoking," concurs Shakahnna, "Is the barrel of my Desert Eagle if I read another herb joke. So remember until next time, children..."  
  
"IT'S NOT BIG AND IT'S NOT CLEVER!"  
  
Violet grins as the screen goes black and the sound begin to fade, "Hey, we almost got it there..."  
  
"Yeah...so, how do we be getting out of this field?"  
  
"Bugger....um...Shak?"  
  
"Uhuh?"  
  
"I think I just stood in some cow sh..."  
  
_Fin. _


	3. Episode Three

_AN: Hullo all. We moved this story to our joint ID and decided to put another chapter up which is a slight deviation from our usual format, since the theme of the moment is very much self-indulgent pish. Anyway, we thought it was hilarious, you probably won't, but we hope it makes someone out there smile. Again in the spirit of It's Not Big And It's Not Clever, we don't mean any offence but you'll have to excuse us, we're both feeling a bit poorly. The doctor says it might be scarlet fever._

__

_Shak and Captain_

-

_Scene:_ The sun beams down upon the white sand of the idylic shore. The skies are blue, the air is warm, providing a pleasant breeze which caresses the leaves of the exotic palm trees. It truly is paradise.  
  
A lone female figure can be discerned, running in slow motion over the beach, her pigtails streaming behind her. She has rejected the standard issue red swimming costume in favour of a grey jumper, and instead of a fashion accessory flotation device, she is clutching an impossibly large pile of scientific textbooks. The early nineties cheesy music from hell is still present however.  
  
The music abruptly cuts out as there is a thud and Violet Snowe : Lifeguard Extrordinaire goes flying face first into the sand.   
  
"Aw f..."  
  
The screen hastily fades to the show's sassy logo which reads in bold yet stylish crayon **"GAYWATCH".**  
  
Back to Violet, who is shaking the sand from her spectacles, as she scrunches her nose at the camera. "Um, hullo! And welcome to another exciting episode of..." she takes a deep breath before looking around. "Uh, where's Shak?"  
  
"Take that, bitch!" The gleeful shout can be discerned and the camera pans to Shakahnna who is clad in a t-shirt which reads "Wesker- He Wants Me". She is happily kicking the shit out of David Hasselhoff, who is in the process of spitting out his front teeth. She faces the camera and shrugs nonchalantly, "Aw come on. You can't tell me you've not always wanted to do this..."  
  
"Shak!" Violet whines, "Come on! We're on a tight schedule since we blew the budget on STARS and Umbrella patches."  
  
The redhead strolls up to her proudly, "But it was worth it since now I've got RPD underwear."  
  
"Anyway," Violet lives in perpetual fear that she will one day see the aforementioned undergarments, "Ahem. Welcome to another episode of..."  
  
**"IT'S NOT BIG AND IT'S NOT CLEVER!"**  
  
"Dear viewer," Shakahnna begins, "Today we are going to look at something which, while it is not a parody in the strictest sense, certainly fucking should be."  
  
"Yes," Violet chimes in, "It makes a mockery of everything we believe in, as dedicated and obsessive fangirls."  
  
"But we warn you, this is only for those with a STRONG consitution. I cannot stress how completely fucking disgusting this is."  
  
"It's minging," Violet nods, "It's really...really..."   
  
She goes into the foetal position as the screen fades to black.  
  
-  
  
_Scene:_ Wesker is in an Umbrella lab, going about his daily evil supervillain business as per usual. He is dressed in a hot pink lab coat with the words "Elton 4 Eva" embroidered on the back in sequins. **_HE HAS A COIF_** and is using his arse as a holster for his desert eagle. Did we mention he has a coif?  
  
Luckily for us he has his back to the camera so we cannot see what has his hands so busy, but he is feverishly muttering something under his breath about being the king of Racoon City.  
  
William Birkin strides in wearing scarlet leather chaps. He has a village people handlbar moustache and a PVC lab coat (because it's wipe clean etc etc).  
  
The dialogue instantly cuts to badly written script form.  
  
_William:_ My sweet and fragrant Albert! Rejoice, for I did an equation and discovered the T-virus!  
  
_Albert:_ Let's make love.  
  
_(Wesker begins rubbing his nipples and flicking his tongue.)_  
  
_(Censored man on man romance scene. Trust us, it's better if you don't see.)_  
  
_Albert:_ Oh Willy, I love it when you shake those peaches.  
  
_William:_ And your **_coif _**is so sexy. It makes me think about pirate ships.  
  
_Albert:_ Well you know you can be my seaman any time.  
  
_(Aw christ, that's bad.)_  
  
_William:_ Do you think we'll ever get married? Let's french kiss.  
  
(_He giggles)_  
  
_Albert:_ I love you, Will.  
  
_William:_ I love you too, Albert.   
  
-  
  
"STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!" Violet is refusing to come out of the foetal position, "IT'S NOT REAL! IT NEVER HAPPENED!"  
  
There is a grave expression on Shakahnna's face as she explains, "This is what can happen when fag hags put pen to paper."  
  
There is a muffled sniffle as Violet sits up and points indignantly at the camera, "Kids, say NO to yaoi!"  
  
A random teenage girl appears in a puff of smoke to glare accusingly and shriek, "OMG! YOUS R HOMOFOBIC!"  
  
"Hey!" Miss Snowe looks indignant, "I'll have you know that I shagged Jill Valentine in _Resident Evil Royal Rumble_!"  
  
Shakahnna says nothing, choosing merely to turn around with her back to her camera. The other side of her shirt is now visible, which reads, **"ALEXIA - SHE'D GET IT."  
**  
"So with that little point out of the way, we would like to apologise for this unscheduled interruption to our normal agenda of ripping the absolute pish out of unfunny parodies. I can only pray that our lesson has touched the hearts of any young authors out there who want to write such filthy stories. We know it's only human behaviour to strive towards new and inventive fanfic pairings, but we want to drive home the fundemental principle that..."  
  
**_"WESKER AND BIRKIN ARE NOT A COUPLE!"_** For once, the statement is so vehement that the girls manage perfect unison.  
  
"And with that said, I am now going to resume kicking the shit out of David Hasselhoff..." The redhaired member of the duo says matter of factly.  
  
Violet nods, "And I am going to indulge in some more pointless running about in slow motion. Maybe I'll fall again, and bang my head and get amnesia and forget all about the image of my husband tonguing Wesker. 'Til next time, kids."  
  
The pair salute at the camera and go about their seperate ways, happy in the knowledge that they have made fanfiction once again a happier and more enlightened place.

_Fin._


	4. Episode Four

_AN: It's Not Big And It's Not Clever is back, with a kind of unnatural glow. Because we've been eating batteries. Review or Die._

_Us_

A familiar tune strikes up, and is immediately recognisable. But in case you'd missed out on the last twenty years of pop culture, the logo flashes boldly onto the screen. "CHARLIE'S ANGELS".

Cue the crayon of wonder. After some minor tasteful cinematic alterations, the screen now reads "SHAK AND VIOLET THE FANTASTIC".

The scene cuts to Miss Violet Snowe wearing a skintight pvc catsuit. A kitten is dangling in the mouth of a great white shark, and she backflips her way across the water, balances on the shark's nose, pouts sexily and rescues the feline, before backflipping to dry land and handing the kitten to a grateful small child who tells her that she wants to be just like her. She flashes a grin at the camera and says huskily, "You may want to reel in that shark, boys. I carved the cure for cancer into it's hide with my stiletto heel".

There is then a parade in her honour.

Meanwhile the lovely Miss Shakahnna Warren is dressed to kill. A red cocktail dress (digatAdadigatAda) shows off her hourglass figure, and her gleaming red hair could have come straight from a shampoo advert. She looks like a movie star, yet needs no makeup. But her super senses are activated! A busload of schoolchildren is heading for the edge of a cliff. And the bus has a bomb strapped to it. And the bomb has a giant Nazi spike of evil on it. She steps out in front of the bus and instantly the bus is mesmerised by her stunning beauty. It stops immediately. She is also so gorgeous that the bombs are offended that anyone could want to hurt her. They immediately unhook themselves (complete with giant Nazi spike of evil) and fly back to the lair of the evildoers and blow themselves up. The children all cheer and she turns to the camera and smiles. She's so renegade. "But remember, kids, true beauty is on the inside!" she declares, and gives a wink.

There is also a parade in her honour…

"RIGHT! THAT'S FUCKING ENOUGH!" A loud booming voice intones, and the screen fizzles out to static. When picture is restored, we see a rather indignant looking Shakahnna. The real Shakahnna, complete with "Wesker murders redheads because he's obsessed with me" t-shirt.

Violet looks at the catsuit hanging up. Her eyes dart from the catsuit, to herself, from the catsuit, to herself, from the catsuit to herself. She eventually shrugs, pulls out a lighter, and sets fire to it. Then immediately begans to choke uncontrollably on the stench of burning plastic.

"Hullo…" choke, choke, "And welcome to another…" choke, "episode of…"

"IT'S NOT BIG AND IT'S NOT CLEVER!" Shak booms enthusiastically as Violet dissolves into coughs again.

The redhead turns and faces the camera with a serious look on her face. "Today we will be examining the scourge of fanfiction…nay society…."

"…the Mary Sue." Violet concludes, before pulling out a blackboard from apparently nowhere and pointing at a needlessly complicated chart. "Now class, a Mary Sue, for those of you who may not know…"

"…or may have repressed…" Shak interjects.

"…is a self-insertion fanfic. Where the main character is invariably fantastic, beautiful, gorgeous, clever, kind, generous…"

"…renegade…"

"…brave, talented, blonde and in a relationship with one of the more desirable Resident Evil characters."

"And don't forget, loved, respected and feared by everyone," Shak reminds us. "And let's face it, until you all become short, fat, S&M loving redheads, Wesker ain't gonna want you."

"Which can only be a good thing. He's a right dick." Violet is tactful. "Hey, Shak, do you want to smell my hair?"

"No, fuck off."

"It smells really nice."

"Roll the projector."

_Scene: Jill and Chris are in Racoon City. There are zombies, man, ZOMBIES. They are in O'Grady's bar cuz were original._

_Jill (shooting stuff): OMG! There are zombies, man, ZOMBIES everywhere._

_Enter a handsome and dashing hero. He is all James Dean, fuck the system. He has a stash of A-grade weapons, even though he's still in high school. He's a vampire too, infused with the G virus, and he's got a trenchcoat. He doesn't need to go to the toilet and he can withstand temperatures hotter than the sun. He punches a zombie and they smash straight through a concrete wall._

_Jill swoons. Even though she and Chris are a couple._

_Jill: OMG, you saved me, you handsome renegade!_

_Handsome stranger: My name's Englebert, but you can call me Dante. (translation: I get picked on in school. I wish I was a real vampire. That would be cool.)_

_Jill: And you can call me anything you want, baby. _

_Chris, meanwhile is watching. He would be angry, but he's too in awe of this dude's coolness. There are more zombies._

_A chick shows up. She probably crashes through the window on a motorbike or something lame. I don't know. _

_Motorbike: Vroom, vroom._

_Chick: Need a hand, handsome?_

_Chris: A hand…job more like!_

_(haha at us)_

_Chick shoots loads of zombies. Evilly. She's wearing Claire's alternate outfit from Code Veronica. You know, the white one, with the hotpants. She has blonde hair and looks innocent. But tough. And sexy. Really sexy, like way, way hotter than Britney. And she can do kung fu and stuff. She's probably a vampire too, or a BOW like Wesker but stronger and cooler and sexier etc etc ad infinitum._

_Chick: Hey, stranger. My name's Greasy McPie, but you can call me Ferrari Sexkitten. (translation: It's Prom Night and I'm at home on my computer because the boys in my class said I have a face like the back of a bus that's been dragged backwards through an acne factory)_

_Chris: You're so beautiful, let's make out._

_Ferrari Sexkitten: No, for I have a dark past and am easily hurt._

_Chris: I will win your love, fair maiden of asskicking sexiness._

_Five minutes later they make out. She probably makes out with Jill too. All the cool girls are bi-curious._

"CUT CUT CUT CUT **CUT**!" Violet is screaming.

Shak brings out a razor blade.

"Not that kind of cut!" Violet says, rolling her eyes.

There is canned laughter.

"Do we really need to explain the lesson here?" Shakahnna groans, pleading with her eyes at the camera.

"Ok, so the lesson is…DON'T WRITE MARY SUES!" Violet shakes her finger vehemently and scowls. "Or Gary Sues."

The credits begin to roll, and Shak and Violet share a well earned cigarette as the screen fades…

Hang on. No it doesn't.

A heavenly trumpet sounds, and the room is flooded with the light of God, and the voices of angels (so that means Shak is in fact not singing).

Guess who?

The Dove From Above soars down. It's made of cardboard and attached to the ceiling with string, because we blew our special effects budget on crack and hookers. The girl riding gleefully atop it is oddly familiar, yet…somehow different. Actually, who the fuck are we kidding, she looks exactly the fucking same. For it is none other than…JASMINE!

"That's right, geniuses, my real name is not, in fact, Shakahnna," she announced. Shak looks confused. Violet wonders if she's seeing double from all the times she banged her head.

But before there is time to postulate, the Beast from the East (also made of cardboard) zooms in, in a flash of lightning. Sitting on it is another, oddly familiar, girl. Except her hair is blonde. But it is still none other than…

"You are all cretins."

Yep, it's Jennifer-Louise.

"Woah!" Violet points at her real life alter ego and sniggers, "Dye job!"

"Get it up you, Violet. At least I didn't lose out to Annette."

Violet spreads her hands and shrugs, "I concede."

Meanwhile, Shak and Jasmine are swapping tips on how to blow things up. Or castration. One of the two. I can't hear them, but I know they are.

"Right, you two," Jennifer-Louise points at the two fictional characters, "Sit down and shut up. And give me one of your fags."

"This is a piss-take of Mary Sues," Jasmine begins, "We write Mary Sues. We are aware of this." She is sitting with her hands behind her head and a smug smile of general satisfaction. "And the first person who feels the need to point this out gets the castration special."

"The thing is," Jennifer-Louise takes a draw from her cigarette, and glares at the camera, "We are entitled to write Mary Sues. And do you know why?" Pause. "Because we are fantastic."

"We are so interesting, that it is inconceivable that people wouldn't want to read about us," Jasmine adds in a fit of modesty.

"We are your coffee in the morning. You need us. The Resident Evil section needs us to brighten up their dull and otherwise empty lives. We are the two most fascinating, dynamic, humourous, witty and all round stalkable people you have ever met."

"And the world deserves to have us in fiction form, because there isn't enough of the real thing to go around." Jasmine finishes, before her face darkens, "I swear to God, the next anorexic fucking Barbie they put up there and label as "tough" I'm gonna go strap myself as explosives and go blow something up."

"And the next pseudo-intellectual fuckwit who read a paragraph out of a high school chemistry textbook once and didn't understand it and now thinks that the t virus is real and they can make it in their mum's kitchen is going to get poison in their tea. I swear to God. IT'S SCIENCE FUCKING **FICTION**." Jennifer-Louise pinches the bridge of her nose and scowls. "But we digress…"

"Mary Sues are terrible." Jasmine brings the dialogue to a point.

"Don't write them, unless you're us." Jennifer-Louise adds. "I've officially given us permission. But not you." She points at the camera.

"So, that concludes another episode of…"

"IT'S NOT BIG, AND IT'S NOT CLEVER!" With four people trying to say this in unison, the results are predictably nonsensical.

_Fin_


End file.
